The Truth About Forgiveness

Psychologists define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. Practicing forgiveness is not ever an easy process, especially when the harm done is severe or you find yourself in a situation where the other party takes no accountability for their role. In a way, it almost seems unfair to you to forgive someone that isn’t sorry, but it’s often necessary. Choosing to forgive is for you, not them. And forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation.

When we have been wronged, it is difficult to imagine ourselves on the other side of the hurt. Depending on the situation, forgiveness might be one of the necessary steps. Holding grudges has detrimental effects on your mental and physical health. Being unable to let go of your resentment may cause you to take bitterness into other relationships and also miss out on great moments while being so occupied with what has transpired. Releasing those negative feelings may lead to understanding, empathy, compassion, and a better relationship.

In my life, I held onto a lot of resentment toward my parents. There were a lot of things that I felt they could have done better. As you grow older and wiser, you become aware of the roots connected to some of your issues. You can see their failings clearer, and you may feel burdened by the self-work it takes to correct the effects. I learned through counseling how expensive it is to hang onto feelings like that. The grudge I held blocked any growth or progression in those relationships, and honestly, it seemed to hurt them and me. I wanted apologies and explanations, but they weren’t giving me what I wanted. I got to a point where I got tired of feeling stuck and angry over things from the past that I could not change.

In therapy, I talked through all my concerns and realized it was time for me to move on. I had to acknowledge that my parents had done the best they could with what they knew and had. At that time, they probably genuinely thought they were doing the right thing, even if it didn’t turn out that way. (And if you grew up with old-school parents like mine, good luck getting an apology!) We cannot hold people accountable for the information they did not have. And unfortunately, once you become an adult, your healing and growth become your responsibility. No one is going to listen to you blame your parents forever. And you cannot get back the time you spend stewing in anger. My mother passed away this year, and I thank God that I chose to let go. She got to know me better as an adult and realized that she had not only a daughter but a friend in me. We shared some moments we had never had before, and I am grateful for that. Letting go was definitely worth it.

If you are stuck in a situation and having difficulty forgiving someone, these steps may help you to start the process:

How To Forgive

• Identify where healing is needed

• Acknowledge your feelings and feel them fully.

• Do not downplay the seriousness of the offense.

• Choose to forgive.

• Seek therapy or counsel if needed.

• Do not allow the situation to control you.

Benefits of Forgiveness

• Healthier relationships

• Better mental health

• Lower Blood Pressure

• Better Heart Health

• Improve self-esteem

• Lower Stress Levels

Self-Forgiveness

The hardest type of forgiveness tends to be self-forgiveness. It is often harder to forgive yourself than it is to forgive others. We don’t know what someone has been through, is going through, or why they choose to do something. However, we do have answers to those questions when it comes to ourselves. And letting yourself down, especially when you know better, is a tough pill to swallow. Also, mistakes can agitate self-esteem issues that are already present. If you struggle with your self-worth and get into a relationship that you know isn’t good for you, you may have difficulty forgiving yourself for the hurt you endured in that relationship. Or if you struggle with abandonment issues and you do something to hurt a loved one that causes them to leave, forgiving yourself may be challenging. It’s just as important to apologize to yourself as it is to apologize to others you have wronged. Forgiving yourself may look something like this:

• Take responsibility for the decisions you made.

• Feel all of the emotions that come.

• Be sure to have empathy and compassion for yourself.

• Do your best to repair the relationship with yourself or whoever you’ve wronged.

• There’s a lesson in there somewhere. Don’t miss it!

You deserve the same level of understanding, empathy, compassion, and forgiveness that you offer to others.

I want to add that forgiveness is not always necessary in cases of sexual abuse, murder, or other severe situations. As I said earlier, do not downplay the seriousness of the offense. There can be power in never granting that to your abuser. There will likely not be reconciliation in most of these cases, and your main focus should be you and your healing.