Sometimes, starting is the hardest part...

Over the last few months, I have been pushing really hard to make a career field change and I'm finally making some headway. I've spent most of my life doing business office work and have been miserable about half of the time I've been doing it. I didn't grow up wanting to do office work. It just happened. And I believe that I got into my own way by being a perfectionist and letting that cause stagnation and complacency. I can be super hard on myself for not doing everything right. I've started and stopped so many ventures over the years out of the fear of failing. I literally never even gave myself a chance. It is okay to push yourself and want to be great, but to feel like you can't make a mistake is extreme. It becomes a vicious cycle where you don't accomplish anything. You set out to do something, and you believe it has failed somehow, then you beat yourself up over the failure, which leads to inactivity. So now, you're back at square one. It is entirely unproductive. I knew I had to break out of that, or else I'd be stuck forever.

Counseling made the most significant difference for me. Once I could trace my inability to see my ventures through back to my childhood, it was like a light turned on. The way I handled my life in that area directly resulted from being raised in a household where whatever my parents said was law. I wasn't really allowed to express myself or make certain decisions for myself. When your home team does not support your goals and aspirations, you don't really get to explore what you are interested in. I have always been right-brained. If it wasn't about the arts or entertainment in some way, I wasn't interested. At one point, my parents thought I was going to be a doctor (LOL!). If you know me well, you know I don't fool with germs, and my Chemistry grades said that I have no business in a white coat…unless it's a fabulous pea coat in the Winter, dahling! They pressed me hard about being a doctor, then an accountant later in life. Neither one of those professions suits me. They didn't know me well; they just knew what they thought a "real" job was.

Ms. Whit is what they called me!

I was in Creative Writing in high school, and that is when I fell in love with writing. I don't think I realized that I could use my writing skills in so many ways back then, so it never occurred to me to find a career that included it. Upon graduation, I was sold on the idea of going to Georgia State University to major in Music Business Management. I just knew I was going to be the female LA Reid or Clive Davis. I pictured myself in all white on a yacht in the Hamptons diddy-bopping with P.Diddy while holding a glass of champagne. (I still haven't given up on this dream, lol! Call me, Diddy!) I always felt like I had a good eye and ear for talent and still do, might I add. However, I'm sure you guessed that my parents were having none of that. They were not going to pay for me to "waste time" on something like that. I was 17, broke and clueless about life, so I stayed my ass in Alabama and got a degree in Business Management sans the music. This is what lead me into office work.

I won't disparage all my time working in that field because I learned a lot about business, organization, 1099s, billing, bank procedures, etc. (Shout out to my first boss, Rachel!) And thankfully, my first office job was at a group of TV stations, so I got to experience the entertainment aspect, as well. It was at this job that I really learned how much I love marketing too. I was able to work casting calls for America's Next Top Model, help with charity events, and run the stations' social media accounts for a short time. I was still in college during some of this and considered changing my major to marketing. It has taken several years from that point for me to gain the confidence to step outside of what is comfortable and familiar to me.

For years, I felt like something was wrong with me, and I'd never get out of the stagnation I was in. It still took time for me to fully unravel this, and honestly, I'm still working on it some now. I had to accept that my parents did the best they could with what they knew. My parents are a bit older than most of my friend's parents, so their way of doing things was very old-school. I won't lie and say I wasn't resentful for a while because they didn't support me when I wanted to continue my dance classes, learn an instrument, or be a cheerleader. I was. I spent a lot of time dwelling on "what if," which is hugely unhelpful because you can't turn back the hands of time. And as my counselor says, "It's too expensive" to hold onto that resentment anyway. It just adds to you being stuck by making you feel like you aren't good enough to have what you truly want because you didn't get to have it back then. I want to tell you there's some special formula or potion that flips the switch for you, but it isn't. It's a process, and it can be a long one.

I was a willow tree for my ballet recital.

One of the first steps I took out of that phase was signing myself up for lessons. As an adult, I signed myself up for tennis lessons and piano lessons. Some people thought I was weird for that, but it helped to soothe my inner child. My tennis lessons were incredible, and I'd love to go back. I learned so much from my coach about not just the game but life. One valuable lesson he taught me was to keep going no matter what. Whenever I would miss a shot, I would get angry and want to slam the racket or something, but he wasn't having that. He would always yell, "Keep swinging!!". I'm a little hard-headed, so I would always let that perfectionist part of me take over. One day, we were practicing swings, and I missed one. I stopped to have my angry moment, but he didn't stop. He kept launching balls that were hitting me on the head, in the face, and wherever else they landed. I was so shocked! And when he stopped, all he said was, "If you had kept swinging, you wouldn't have gotten hit." I never did that again, and I still tell myself, "Keep swinging!" even when it's not about tennis. Piano lessons have a similar lesson attached. You can't just stop playing during a recital or a concert or church service. You must keep going, even when your perfectionist nature says not to. A mistake is a moment in time and not meant to be dwelled on but learned from instead.

Serena Jr. Who wants some?!

Another thing that has helped me is to state my "Why" anytime I venture out to do something. I apply this to all facets of my life. My "Why" is never about social media, men, or other superficial reasons when I go on a fitness journey. It is always about me and my health. When I squat 330lbs at the gym, it's about me and how I want to feel and look. I don't care about anyone else's opinions or preferences when it comes to my body. When I contemplated starting this blog, my inner critic was beginning to worry about getting enough views or likes, which was almost enough to make me chicken out of creating it for the millionth time. Then I sat with myself and figured out my "Why." It is my desire to share and inspire people. And if I inspire 1 or 10,000, I've done what I set out to do. And that's that on that. Setting unreasonable standards for yourself based on whatever perception you imagine people will have is a recipe for getting absolutely nothing accomplished.

Accepting that you are the only pilot of your life is scary sometimes, and it is a huge responsibility. We can't blame our upbringing or the people around us forever as much as we want to. It is up to us to decide our path and to ease our asses on down that road. If you have learned anything from this blog, I hope it's that you are worthy of the things you desire and you have what you need to get them. And that you should set goals and go after them with everything you have, no matter what. Also, I hope you learn not to let your inner critic be a co-pilot when you finally do. Sometimes, starting is the hardest part.