Picture it, Alabama 1997, I was in 6th grade. We were in music class and our teacher, Mrs. Whiting, decided we should play charades that day. Luckily, it was a volunteer game day, so of course, I opted out. One of my classmates chose to volunteer. We will call him "James" for the sake of not starting no mess at the big age of 35. "James" went to the front of the class and began to speak in this strange deep voice, and everyone was confused. He ran out of time, and then he exclaimed, "Dang, I was trying to sound like Whitney!". I was mortified. Some students laughed. Some looked at me in horror, waiting to see my reaction. Some put their head down to avoid any kind of conflict. Mrs. Whiting quickly shooed "James" from the front of the class but never really addressed the disrespect. I was big on the "don't let 'em see you cry" thing, so I kept my poker face and just cried about it when I got home. "James" more than likely doesn't even remember that moment, so I'm sure he's never considered the impact it had on me. One of the first times that I was publicly made aware of my differences.
No matter who you are, we all have things about ourselves that we dislike. At some point in life, we are all made aware of our differences. No one is born thinking their nose is too big, their butt is too flat, or their skin is too dark. Someone somewhere made you see those things as a flaw. I've battled plenty of insecurities in life, like my body, skin color, career, and so on. Still, the one insecurity that always takes the cake is my voice. This insecurity has had crippling effects on my life. I've allowed my insecurity to keep me from starting my podcast. It also stops me from speaking on Instagram/Facebook stories that I post. I've struggled with this in dating or dealing with men. I rarely give my number out. So, if you got it, you must have really made an impression. I'm still a little timid in certain social situations too. Truthfully, my insecurity is why you're here now. I always choose writing over speaking whenever I can if I feel uncomfortable.
I didn't realize people thought my voice was different during my early childhood until I was moved from private school to public school. Suddenly, a once vivacious child that loved to dance and sing songs from The Little Mermaid was now the quietest in the class. See, my voice is kinda deep…well, not kinda, it is deep. I didn't sound like the other children in my class, and they made sure to let me know that every chance they got. It silenced me. I would find myself paralyzed with fear anytime a teacher would make us read aloud or give a presentation. I acquired a reputation for being "shy." Was I truly shy?? I don't know. I just knew that I wanted to avoid the ridicule that I was consistently receiving at the hands of my classmates. So, if that meant shutting my damn mouth, that's what I did.
When I was 20 years old, I scored a job working for two local TV stations. I was majoring in Business Management, and I was hired by the business manager to help her out. She promised to teach me everything she knew, but the one condition was that I had to work the front desk. I was terrified of answering the phone every day, along with being front and center when anyone walked in. I decided to go ahead and take the job while hoping I would quickly adjust. I found that I had no issues with guests coming in, but that telephone thing was a struggle. It got to a point where the owner of the company called and told my boss that it sounded like I was whispering, and he couldn't hear me on the phone. My boss sat me down and told me she didn't want to fire me, so I had to learn how to speak up. She coached me to pretend like I was playing a character when I answered the phone. Sounds crazy, but it worked. I practiced my greeting until it rolled off my tongue like butter. "Thank you for calling ABC-32 and Montgomery's CW!" It was so smooth that people would start pressing buttons immediately, thinking that I was a recording. I started getting compliments on my voice around this time. Most of the compliments were about how calming my voice sounds or questions about whether I sing or do radio. There were also random comments from men about how sexy it is and that I should be a phone sex operator. (Shout out to the man that used to call and ask for "the girl that sounds like she's having sex when she answers the phone") That job was probably the first step towards me beginning to accept my voice.
They say the solution to insecurity is self-acceptance. It seems simple enough in theory, but honestly, it is hard work to accept something you know you can't ever change. Hiding an insecurity is only a temporary solution. And for me, I can't fully hide mine anyway. The only way to overcome it is to figure out the source of your insecurity, then commit to facing it head-on. You must also change the narrative that you say to yourself about this insecurity. For me, the internalized negative comments I got became the soundtrack in my head when I thought about my voice. No matter how many positive comments I received, I would be mentally right back in that 6th-grade classroom. Learning to combat those thoughts with positive ones makes a big difference. It is something that you must practice each and every time you sink into that hole. And by no means am I implying that I have it all figured out. There are days where I definitely feel more like Barry White than Toni Braxton, but just know, ya girl is working on it.
Also, I just want people to learn to accept the differences that we all have. Understand the magnitude of your words and actions toward others. You never know the impact you can have on someone. My voice is unique, and it's one of the things that makes me who I am. However, 11-year-old Whitney didn't have the capacity to see it that way, so she suffered in silence. And it has taken me years to reach this level of comfort with my voice. Though we cannot change the past, it is terribly hard not to wonder what kind of child I might have been if people hadn't picked on me. It is why I am so conscious about the way I treat people now. I always aim to create a safe space for the people I love and care about. When you're around me, I want you to be you. It's always better that way!
And finally, as a grown woman, I fully understand that my healing is my responsibility. I just hope that we can learn to uplift each other so that we won't need to heal in the first place.
Inspiring, I hope many people read your blog and share. So truthful most of us suffered from something as children and still some fear the same thing as adults. I’ve always loved your voice , personally and image, you need to share the spoken word . Your voice is a gift, powerful, sexy and not boring. Thanks for sharing.
So inspiring and beautifully written!
Another amazing post! Thank you for sharing your experience. You never know what someone else is going through. We all have to be kind to others and ourselves. Keep sharing your voice and I can't wait to read, and someday soon hear, more!
Powerful voice and truly inspiring. These insecurities are so so hard to battle with and seem to roll back on all of us when we’re in a vulnerable place. Thank you for writing this!