“If they wanted to, they would” is a trendy phrase on social media nowadays. The thought behind this statement is that people make time for who and what they want to, so if they don’t, it’s simply because they do not want to do it for you. And this can be true in some situations and not so much in others. A black-and-white view of anything when dealing with other human beings sets you up for consistent disappointment. There are always exceptions to every rule, and honestly, there are a lot of them when it comes to this school of thought.
What Are Your Expectations?
Sometimes we have to take time to evaluate our expectations of others. Sometimes we automatically expect other people to behave the way we would and then get disappointed when they do not. A great example of this is expecting someone to be available to text back and forth all day. This may be realistic for some people and not so much for others. If this isn’t the way a person chooses to communicate, it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t like or value you. Or if you start seeing someone romantically and want three date nights a week, but they are content with one or two, that’s just a difference in expectations, not a sign of that person disliking you. It’s possible that a compromise could solve the problem.
We are often raised to believe that if someone desires or likes us, they will abandon their own expectations to make us happy. That is pretty unrealistic. This is very prevalent in dating. (Cinderella Syndrome, anyone?) Yes, a person should show interest and effort, but expecting them to transform into your ideal person is a bit much. (And who wants to be love bombed anyway?)
No one is right or wrong in these situations. Everyone is entitled to have expectations and preferences. It is important to make sure your expectations are serving you, though. If you feel like they are, you and the other person may not be compatible enough for the type of connection you are trying to cultivate.
Are You Communicating?
Another thing to assess is your communication.
We all know that certain practices are important in relationships. If you call someone, you expect them to answer or call back. If you send a text message, a reply is expected in a reasonable amount of time. If you make plans, you’re expecting to see the follow-through. However, there are times when you may need to be crystal clear about some of your expectations of people.
If you battle anxiety and need extra reassurance, it might behoove you to bring that up with the other party. Waiting two hours for a reply may not be a big deal to them, but it may be to you. How would they know if you haven’t spoken up about this? There’s a chance they may not change, but you should give them the opportunity. They may actually want to talk to you, but their communication style may not be the same as yours.
Also, people often don’t take into consideration that everyone isn’t neurotypical. If you are dealing with someone that is neurodivergent, they may not interact and communicate the same way you do. There’s no sense in taking this personally. Make sure you effectively communicate your expectations and needs, then make decisions. No one can read your mind.
Maybe It’s Not About You
In relationships and dating, we often tend to think everything a person does or doesn’t do is a huge reflection of how they see us. It could be the case, but most of the time, it probably isn’t. Our behavior is usually an extension of our traumas and experiences. The idea that people magically change the minute they meet a nice person is pretty far-fetched, but many people believe it.
If a person struggles with commitment, communication, or being super guarded due to past experiences, those issues will not disappear upon meeting someone they like. These issues must be addressed and worked through before a healthy relationship can be formed. Have you ever gone on great dates with someone and felt everything was going well? Then you get a little deeper and realize this person is nothing like what you thought. It’s easy to be performative to hide issues in the beginning, but they don’t just go away. Some people aren’t even aware of why they do what they do. It takes self-work and introspection to figure that out, and we aren’t all at that level of healing yet. So, understand that this person’s inability to engage in a healthy way has zero to do with you.
For example, when a person is inconsistent with you, people will bombard you with comments about how much the person doesn’t like you or how they don’t want you, etc. The issue is that person just isn’t a good option for a healthy relationship. It’s not about you. If this is simply rooted in them not wanting to commit or be with you, simple communication would take care of that. Yet, they are choosing to string you along or lie to you for their own gain or to avoid an uncomfortable conversation. That is a THEM problem, not you. And their behavior isn’t a reflection of how they see or value you. In general, most people who are inconsistent with you are also inconsistent in other areas of their life. Never take ownership of someone else’s bad behavior.
Storytime…
Several years ago, I met a guy on social media. He was cute, nice, and interesting, and I was feeling him. He lived an hour away and would come into my city quite frequently. He kept asking to take me to dinner, but I would duck and dodge his requests. I’m sure he probably thought I didn’t like him, which resulted in him not contacting me anymore. The truth is that I liked him, but I didn’t like me at the time.
I was going through an interesting transitional phase in my life, and my self-esteem wasn’t where it needed to be. So, I fumbled that whole situation. None of my ignored text messages, delayed responses or rejected dinner invites had anything to do with him. None of it reflected how I saw or felt about him. I was simply not in a place where I needed to be dating and wasting other people’s time. With more wisdom and life experience, I can acknowledge my failings in that situation. Most people will let you think it’s all about you to avoid facing their own issues. Trust me, it isn’t you.
Moving On Is Okay Though
The point of this blog isn’t to encourage people to stay in unhealthy connections. When something clearly does not work for you, it is imperative that you move around. However, there are times when if we extend grace and a little understanding, a compromise can be made. Or, at the very least, you may be able to move on a little easier, knowing that whatever that person did or didn’t do wasn’t about you or how they saw you. Hopefully, it helps you to release thoughts like “Maybe if so and so liked me more, they wouldn’t have done that,” because they probably would have either way. Detach yourself from the outcomes and rest in the fact that sometimes people want to but still fail to do so. And that doesn’t have anything to do with you.
Absolutely love this! Yes, there are times when the "if they wanted to, they would" holds true but it is definitely not black and white and does not hold for every person/situation. Extending grace grants an opportunity to better relationships and even sometimes offers a way to come to an understanding to move on in a healthy way. Thanks for sharing!